I’m back after a lovely Easter break, ready and raring to blog!…….

This is a very personal blog as I share my weight struggles and body hang ups, but it’s best to get it out there and be honest!!!…… ENJOY!

So let’s see, this Easter I ate my body weight in chocolate eggs and cake! I had one or two…… bloody Mary’s and I tucked into a platter of shellfish! And do I feel guilty? Well yes and no is the answer. I have a love  hate relationship with running and well general exercise, I know that you have to eat sensibly and I know that excercise is good for you, but I worry and have done for a few weeks now since I started training that excercise is taking over my life.

Admittedly I have slacked over recent weeks and haven’t done the 3 planned runs as intended but when I have been on it, I have been working out everyday of the week! Okay I know there are those of you out there who can work out 3X a day and it’s like completely normal, but for me I feel like it’s invading my life! Working full time and trying to do 2 work out classes, 3 runs and a gym session a week……I honestly struggle to fit that in and have a life! If i  scroll through my phone right now I have at least 3 un-replied messages and about 4 unread Facebook messages, not to mention the ones I neglect on Instagram and twitter. But that’s just social media, what about the real life people I’m struggling to see because I literally don’t have a spare day!!!! FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS! 

And let’s talk about the fact that since I have been running and doing 2 classes a week I feel fatter and heavier than ever before! And really if I have one more person tell me that muscle weighs more than fat!!! Like okay, but it’s not like I’m super toned or anything so why do I weigh more!!!

I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, at my heaviest I was a size 14 which was back at the end of 2009 and throughout 2010. Before that I had always been a size 12. It was such a smooth transition going from a 12 to 14 like one day I tried on a dress and it didn’t fit, so I just moved up a dress size! I can’t say it really even bothered me back then, not like it does today. Now days I’m a size 10, not that I feel like I’m a size 10 but sure enough all my clothes are clearly labelled size 10! Luke is great and always tells me that if I’m wearing that size clothing then I am that size, and to be fair it’s not like I squeeze myself into any of it, it just, you know fits!

Being a small 5ft does not help!! Sure it’s great to be petit and given the choice I’d prefer to be small than really tall, but I think I’d settle for 5,2 or something, just an inch or so more! But seriously being short just means that when you put on a pound or 2 (like over Christmas or whilst on vacation) then people notice!! They notice because a pound or 2 to someone who is 5’ft looks more like a stone or 2!!! Also if I’m with someone who is a bigger size than me but also who is taller than me I automatically look and feel fatter! And spend the next 10 minutes mentally comparing myself to them! Seriously short girl problems!!

I have big hips, in fact I think they are  huge, I don’t honestly remember them being as big as they are but sure enough I have them now! And it’s not like I can even say I have an hourglass figure because I don’t have the flat stomach to complement the hips!! I now have what I call a poochie belly, again I really don’t know when it appeared, it just did over time!!! Like hello I’m here and I’m not going without a fight!!

I’m off to Florida in September for the 3rd year in a row, and for the past 2 years I have this thing I call Fit for Florida or FFF for short. Basically this means that I have a goal amount of weight to loose before my holiday and FFF is meant to be my insentive!!! Well for the past 2 years it’s been an epic fail for me, so i am hoping this year I will actually be fit for Florida!!

I guess the reason I’m speaking about all this now is because I feel like I am in danger of forgetting how to live, am I forever going to analyse every single piece of food I eat?. Am I going to miss out on naughty treats because I’m so worried that a bite of a chocolate bar will result in me putting on 2 stone!! And lastly am I going to forever worry about how many classes and running sessions I can fit in, in a week that I become obsessed?

I already feel like running (not classes, because I enjoy them) is a chore! I hate the thought of heading out for a run, and I still 15 weeks in struggle.

So that brings me up to date! Week 15, 15 whole weeks since I started training for my first tough mudder, 15 long hard painful weeks of torture and I don’t look any different! And I don’t feel any different! No-one had said to me that I look good, I look like I’ve lost weight, all my hard work seems to be paying off etc etc, I’ve had literally nothing!!! So that means that I look exactly the same as I did 15 weeks ago, before the running and gym started!! So then I think to myself is there any point to this, it’s so deflating not seeing any results what so ever!!!

So here is a breakdown of this week….

Monday (bank holiday Monday) after finishing the 2nd Easter egg hunt and consuming quite a few of the found eggs, Luke persuaded me to go for a run. This was something I most definitely did not want to do as I wanted time out to enjoy my last day of eating junk!! But he was keen and deep down I knew I really should, so reluctantly I agreed. My last run would have been well over a week ago (week 14) so I new it was going to be hard going, but with the added junk food and sugar intake i felt more sluggish than ever (see vicious circle, junk food and sugar makes you sluggish!!….. but happy when you eat it!!!!?????). Anyways I felt way more out of breath than on previous runs and nearly cried when we got to Everest (the slight incline) AND when Luke extended our route by about 5 minutes I did shed a silent tear!!! I was absolutely exhausted and disappointed and hated myself for the crap I had consumed! Which had therefore made my pace slower and my struggle way more apparent! By the time I got home I couldn’t even talk, and it took me a good 5 minutes to regain my composure!

I had no plans to run Tuesday night what so ever, I mean it was my first day back at work after the Easter break, I needed to take it easy right?!….. I did compromise and took out our cute (at times) little Westie when I got home. Okay so it’s not an intense run but seeing as I wasn’t planning on doing anything a walk is better than nothing right!!! The same actually goes for Wednesday…. although I did have full intentions of running that night, I got home got changed into my running gear, got my phone and app ready, and then said to my mum that I couldn’t be bothered, so we took the dog out instead!…. I know that is the wrong attitude to have and in my defence I hadn’t felt 100% well that day, and could feel the start of a cold coming on, so the last thing I wanted to do was run! I have added in my stats for Tuesday and Wednesday, I’m still going with anything is better than nothing!!!

So once we got to Thursday my cold was clearly coming out and I was feeling less than chirpy! But Thursday is class night, and anyway aren’t you supposed to sweat out a cold?!….Well I made it to class anyway and was glad I went, I worked hard and sweated A LOT!!! I loved the routines we did and got really into it…. AND I FINALLY changed the batteries in the glow sticks!!!! It’s a miricle!!! 

Friday and I am blogging from my sick bed! I look and feel awful, headache, earache, everything aches, runny nose, streaming eyes…. I am looking so attractive right now!! So here I am sitting here blogging, with my low fat cup of soup and watching Jurassic Park!

I admit I am feeling very sorry for myself right now and cannot wait for Luke to arrive home later.

Unfortunately because I’m not feeling well I really really do not feel up for a run tonight!!…. sorry Luke ? let’s hope I feel better for a gym session tomorrow…….

Okay so Saturday arrived and I still wasn’t feeling great, I can only assume this is what man flu feels like…. so no gym session for me today, and I fell at the first hurdle, and consumed a lot of chocolate!….. feed a cold as they say!!!!! Okay I’m feeding it then!!!

I’ll end my blog here for this week, it’s been a shaky first week back to training, hopefully I’ll get into a steady rhythm again and will be back on it in no time!!!!

I have to say I spent this morning watching some of the marathon and cannot believe how inspiring some people actually are, it makes me ashamed that I struggle doing a mile!!!… WELL DONE to all who took part.

It’s good to be back blogging, so thank you for reading and staying with me!!

Until next week ?